The Past Is Part of Us, Not All of Us

Do you live in your past or because of your past?

When I mention that my mom died when I was 14, many people look stricken. They feel terrible that I lost my mom so young, and they often say they can't imagine life without their mom or dad.

My almost immediate response is that I wouldn't be who I am today without that experience.

That doesn't mean I wasn't devastated by her death, or that my life was somehow better because she died. But it would have been completely different.

I may never have left Michigan. I wouldn't have met my husband. I wouldn't have had many of the amazing experiences that have shaped my life. And I might not be the confident, independent woman I've become.

Would I have chosen to lose my mother at 14? Absolutely not. But I can recognize how that loss influenced the direction of my life without wishing it had happened.

My latest podcast guest, Michelle Drew, shares a similar perspective.

Michelle was a high-powered corporate recruiter, working long hours and focusing on her career while neglecting her personal health. She ate fast food three times a day and turned to drugs and alcohol to unwind at the end of a stressful day.

At 42, her health had deteriorated so severely that she was placed in a medically induced coma for three weeks. Her family was warned that she might not survive, and that if she did, she could require full-time care for the rest of her life.

Fortunately, Michelle survived. But her recovery was far from easy.

Today, at 67, Michelle describes herself as one of the healthiest people she knows. She exercises, eats well, and focuses on maintaining her physical and emotional health. She has also turned her experience into a career helping other women take control of their health before they experience a similar crisis.

Michelle doesn't celebrate nearly dying. But she is grateful for the life she has created because of what she learned from that experience.

In fact, she believes that everything can be a gift if we allow it to be.

I heard a similar sentiment from Oprah Winfrey recently during a conversation on the Mel Robbins podcast. The idea wasn't that we should celebrate terrible experiences or pretend they were somehow meant to happen. Rather, we can eventually find ways to use what we've experienced to help ourselves and others.

That's an important distinction.

My upcoming podcast will feature a woman who survived domestic abuse that nearly took her life. She shares a deeply personal story of physical abuse and the difficult journey that followed. Today, she identifies as a survivor rather than a victim, and she encourages the women she counsels to recognize their own strength and possibilities for the future.

Three very different stories. Three experiences none of us would have chosen. And three lives that were profoundly changed by what happened.

But here's something else I've come to appreciate: Grief doesn't follow a schedule, and neither does healing.

One friend waited a year after her mother's death before cleaning out her house, hoping the task would be easier with time. It wasn't. Another friend began cleaning out her mother's home almost immediately after losing her unexpectedly.

Both loved their mothers. Both experienced tremendous loss. They simply approached the practical and emotional challenges differently.

It's been 45 years since my mother died. I don't spend much time grieving her loss today, but writing about her or reading her journal can still bring tears to my eyes.

That doesn't mean I'm living in the past. It means she's still part of my story.

That's the distinction we sometimes miss.

Moving forward doesn't mean forgetting what happened. It doesn't mean pretending the pain wasn't real, finding a silver lining in every tragedy, or reaching some imaginary finish line where we're no longer affected by our experiences.

It also doesn't mean that everyone who experiences adversity will emerge stronger. Some experiences leave wounds that take years to heal, and some never completely disappear.

But our experiences, even the most painful ones, can shape our perspective, influence our choices, and sometimes help us discover strengths or possibilities we didn't know existed.

Perhaps we become more compassionate toward others. More independent. More willing to advocate for ourselves. Or perhaps we simply learn to appreciate things we once took for granted.

And sometimes, when we're ready, we can use what we've learned to help someone else facing a similar challenge.

We don't have to be grateful for the pain to be grateful for something that came afterward.

I wouldn't wish the loss of my mother on anyone. Michelle wouldn't wish her health crisis on another woman. And no one should ever have to experience abuse to discover their own strength.

Yet each of us can acknowledge that our lives have been shaped by those experiences without allowing them to become our entire identity.

Our past is part of our story, but it doesn't have to be the entire story.

We can't rewrite what happened. But we can continue writing what happens next.

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