The Lists We Need to Throw Away

We all make lists. They can have tremendous value. They keep us organized, help us remember what to do, and make sure we don't forget the groceries for dinner.

But sometimes we make lists that deserve to be thrown away.

These lists focus on the wrong things. They include superficial items that seem crucial at the time, but they can lead us in a direction we later regret.

When Danielle Lee Darling joined me on my latest podcast episode, we discussed relationships, patterns, and the lists we create for ourselves.

I made a relationship list in my 20s. It included looks, income, a college degree, a corporate title, and other qualities that, in hindsight, couldn't predict a successful relationship. I dated men who checked many of the boxes on that list, and every relationship ended in heartbreak, either on my side or his.

Before I met my husband, I threw that list away.

It's not that Mike didn't check some of those boxes. It's that they no longer mattered. Instead, I found myself building a relationship with a man who showed me what love really was and allowed me to be myself.

Danielle and I talked about how our past experiences, old beliefs, and habits shape the relationships we build today. I saw how my dad treated women, how unhappy my mom often seemed, and I never forgot her advice to "never become dependent on a man."

Those experiences influenced the choices I made. Some of them protected me. Others probably limited me.

Danielle's story was different, but the lesson was similar. She found herself repeating unhealthy relationship patterns until she learned to understand herself more deeply.

Today, she helps other women do the same.

She describes four common relationship archetypes:

• The Prover – Believes they must earn love by doing more.

• The Pleaser – Changes who they are to become what they think someone else wants.

• The Performer – Hides their imperfections behind a polished exterior.

• The Protector – Keeps people at a distance to avoid getting hurt.

As I listened to Danielle describe these archetypes, I found myself thinking about a fifth. Not another unhealthy pattern, but the place I hope healthy relationships eventually arrive.

The Partner.

A partner doesn't become someone else to keep the relationship. They don't pretend to love everything their spouse loves. Instead, they build a life together. They respect each other's differences, support each other's interests, and willingly step into each other's worlds without losing themselves.

I'm not a car person. Mike isn't nearly as interested in some of the things I enjoy. But I'll happily go to a car show with him because it matters to him. He does the same for me. Neither of us is pretending to become someone we're not. We're simply choosing to be good partners.

The more I thought about Danielle's framework, the more I realized these patterns aren't limited to romantic relationships. We can become pleasers at work, performers in leadership, protectors after a difficult friendship, or provers in volunteer organizations.

Understanding our patterns helps us show up more intentionally wherever relationships exist.

After more than 30 years of marriage, I'm grateful I threw away that first list.

The things I thought mattered most weren't the things that built a strong marriage.

It makes me wonder...

What other outdated lists am I still carrying around?

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If you're looking for clarity in your business or career, you can reach me at doris@dunnwise.com, via DM, or at dunnwise.com.