The Gift of the Struggle

Last week's podcast with Kristina Pollard was one of my favorites. Kristina shared her story with remarkable honesty, opening up about the choices, consequences, and turning points that led her from addiction and rock bottom to becoming a successful entrepreneur, nonprofit leader, and recovery advocate.

While her story includes a very difficult season with addiction, the lessons she learned extend far beyond addiction. They offer wisdom that can help all of us become better leaders, coaches, parents, friends, and neighbors.

The Difference Between Helping and Rescuing

Kristina spent eight years battling addiction. She manipulated doctors, hid her addiction from family and friends, and repeatedly found herself in trouble. It wasn't until she spent three days alone in a jail cell that she reached rock bottom and sought the help she needed all along.

One statement summed up our entire conversation: "The worst thing people did for me was rescue me."

Kristina is grateful that her multiple DUI arrests did not end in tragedy. She's also honest enough to recognize that being bailed out of jail and repeatedly shielded from the consequences of her choices delayed the very change she desperately needed.

As I reflected on her words, I realized they can also apply to parenting, leadership, coaching, friendships, and life in general.

I was reminded of the old proverb: Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and you feed him for a lifetime.

As a lifelong corporate educator, I learned years ago that people learn best by doing. The worst way to teach me is to take over while I watch. The best teachers explain the process while allowing me to struggle, think, and ultimately succeed on my own.

Coaching works much the same way. Lasting change rarely comes from telling someone exactly what to do. It comes from asking thoughtful questions, observing behavior, and helping people discover their own answers. Once they see the path for themselves, the coach becomes an accountability partner, encouraging them to stay on course.

A simple illustration is teaching a child to ride a bicycle after removing the training wheels. Rescuing means never letting go of the seat. Helping means letting go, brushing off the grass after the inevitable fall, and encouraging another attempt.

There are certainly moments when rescuing someone is the right thing to do. Emergencies require immediate action. But when growth is the goal, rescuing often delays the very lesson that needs to be learned.

Helping Others Changes Us

After completing the 13-month recovery program, Kristina stayed on as an intern and later became an employee, helping other women through their own recovery journeys.

Another powerful comment I loved was, "When you stop focusing on yourself, it changes your heart posture."

That immediately brought back a memory. Many years ago, I remember saying, "When I grow up, I want to be a volunteer."

The funny thing is that I was already an adult. Life was busy. Between work and everything else, I didn't feel like I had the time to devote to serving others the way I wanted to.

Over the years, that dream became reality. I've had the privilege of giving my time, talent, and treasure to organizations that are making a difference in our community.

Listening to Kristina, I realized why those experiences have meant so much to me.

It isn't that helping others has made my own challenges disappear. It hasn't.

But every time I've sat across from a coaching client, volunteered at a nonprofit event, interviewed a podcast guest, or worked alongside people trying to make a difference, I've left with a lighter heart than when I arrived.

Not because my problems were gone. Because my perspective had changed.

Helping someone else reminds us that we are part of something bigger than ourselves. It shifts our focus from what we're carrying to what we can contribute.

Kristina's story reminded me that helping isn't always making life easier for someone else. Sometimes helping means asking the difficult question instead of solving the problem. Sometimes it means allowing someone to struggle long enough to discover their own strength.

And sometimes, while we're helping someone else find hope, we discover that our own hearts have changed, too.

Maybe that's why teaching someone to fish is so much harder than handing them one. It requires patience. It requires trust. And sometimes it requires watching someone struggle long enough to discover they can do more than they believed possible.

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