Set the Tone

I recently heard an inspiring keynote by Tiffany Napper called “Resilient Is Your Middle Name.” She did an excellent job, and I walked away with several meaningful takeaways. I won’t share all of them here. You’ll have to hire her or catch her at her next event, but one idea felt like it was meant for me: Set the tone.

Tiffany told a story about a waitress who clearly wasn’t having a great day. Rather than complaining or leaving a poor tip, Tiffany simply asked the woman her name and started a conversation. That small act of kindness shifted the entire interaction. The waitress relaxed, the energy changed, and the service improved.

As I reflected on that story, I realized something uncomfortable: I don’t always do that. If someone is rude, I tend to meet them at their level. Rude meets rude. Anger meets anger. And if someone is kind, I’m quick to respond with kindness.

That realization reminded me of Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory. The idea is simple but powerful: you can’t control how other people behave — only how you respond. When we let people be who they are, we release ourselves from the impossible task of managing their emotions. We reclaim our own peace.

Of course, that’s easier said than done. In the heat of the moment, when someone is condescending or confrontational, my amygdala often hijacks the conversation before my prefrontal cortex has a chance to step in. I know the value of pausing before reacting — I even teach it — but like everyone else, I’m still a work in progress.

Case in point: just one day after Tiffany’s keynote, I had a chance to apply her advice.And I failed.

Rather than smiling or pausing, I met a hurtful question with an equally sharp tone, trying to defend myself. It wasn’t my best moment, but it was a learning one.

This post isn’t about having the right answers — it’s about asking better questions. How do you handle challenging conversations? How do you meet rudeness with kindness, accusations with empathy, or anger with compassion?

As a high “iD” on the DiSC scale, I know my bold, high-energy personality can make this harder. But awareness is the first step toward growth.

I’m not looking forward to my next test — but I am looking forward to the day I can write part two of this blog. A day when I can share a few stories of how I truly set the tone — with patience, grace, and compassion — and watched the energy of the conversation shift in a more positive and unexpected way.

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If you're interested in learning more about my coaching and training services or how I can help you turn your visions into business realities, email me at doris@dunnwise.com, reach out via DM or visit my website at www.dunnwise.com. And be sure to listen to the Leaderish Podcast for great insights on Leadership.