Habits That Shape Who We Become

I turned 15 just two weeks after my mom’s funeral. It was a Saturday, and my dad asked what I planned to cook for dinner. My family rarely ate out, even on birthdays, so he assumed I would cook. But I announced that I refused to cook on my birthday. That night, he took my brother and me to Denny’s to celebrate.

What started as a one-time event became a Saturday ritual. For years, our little family enjoyed weekly dinners at Denny’s. To this day, Denny’s still holds a special place in my heart.

Not every habit will carry such emotion, but habits always shape who we are.

Why Habits Matter

On last week’s podcast, Regina and I shared personal stories about how habits influence our lives—and how much intention it takes to build the right ones.

Some habits form without us even noticing: brushing our teeth, looking both ways before crossing the street, or following a bedtime routine. Others require more thought and effort: study habits in school, exercise routines, or business-building practices.

But here’s the truth: if we want change, habits can’t be left to chance. They must be created on purpose.

The Spark and the Structure

There are nearly 3,000 books written about habits. Their central theme is the same: repeated actions—shaped by cues, rewards, and identity—create long-term change.

Most of these books explain how habits form, but what’s often missing is the why. Habits usually begin with a spark—an aspiration, a vision, or even a dream of who we want to become.

The first and most important step is belief: seeing yourself as the person you want to be. James Clear writes in Atomic Habits that “identity shapes habits.”

• Don’t say, “I’m trying to quit smoking.” Say, “I am a nonsmoker.”

• Don’t say, “I’m working on building my business.” Say, “I am a business owner.”

• Don’t say, “I’m trying to meditate.” Say, “I meditate daily.”

This simple mindset shift can change the direction of your life.

Replacing or Creating

Habits form in two main ways:

1. Replacing what no longer serves you. Old patterns—like smoking or late-night snacking—must be exchanged for healthier ones that provide similar rewards. This doesn’t happen overnight, but with small daily steps and discipline, you can create new pathways.

2. Creating new rhythms. Sometimes we simply add something we’ve never done before. That’s how I’ve built my meditation practice. I didn’t replace anything—I just committed to two to five minutes a day. Even when my routine is interrupted, I’ve made sure it gets done. And I feel great about it.

Imagine the Results

If you want to exercise, don’t just picture the workout—picture someone complimenting your toned arms. (That happened to me—no better compliment!)

If you want to meditate, imagine the clarity you’ll feel after a month of daily practice.

If you’re building a business, imagine the conversation with your future customer and the five-star review they leave.

What do those results feel like? Tell the story to yourself in the past tense, as if it already happened. That emotional connection will strengthen your commitment.

Start Small. Stay Consistent.

Whether you’re replacing old habits or creating new ones, begin with small, manageable steps. Each win triggers dopamine—the brain’s natural reward chemical—that reinforces your new habit.

And remember, rewards look different for everyone. Some feel it when subscribers increase. Others feel it when they exchange one business card at a networking event.

Still others feel it in the kudos from a doctor or the thank-you from a client.

Finally, consistency is key. Habits are formed through repetition. Give yourself grace if you miss a day, but don’t miss twice. Missing once is human. Missing twice starts a new habit in the wrong direction.

Your Next Step

I’ll leave you with the reminder I often share: Start before you’re ready. Don’t aim to finish—aim to start.

Because habits aren’t just actions. They are the building blocks of who you become.

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If you're interested in learning more about my coaching and training services or how I can help you turn your visions into business realities, email me at doris@dunnwise.com, reach out via DM or visit my website at www.dunnwise.com. And be sure to listen to the Leaderish Podcast for great insights on Leadership.