Five Ways to Build Emotional Intelligence (and Why It Matters)

Do you ever find yourself focused on what’s not happening versus what is happening? For example, when you’re stuck in traffic, you’re likely focused on the brake lights in front of you as you’re not moving forward or that you will be late for your next appointment or that you wished you’d left a little sooner.

What if you could pause for just a moment and focus on what is happening in a positive light? You may be stuck in traffic, but you’re not involved in the accident in front of you. You may be late for your next appointment, but that gives you a few extra minutes to listen to a book, a podcast, or extend the conversation you’re having with someone important.

Checking in with your actions, behaviors and emotions is the first step to improving your EQ or Emotional Intelligence. On our latest Leaderish podcast, Regina Taute and I tackle the topic and get real about the importance of getting better at the internal (self-awareness and self-regulation) and the external (social awareness and social skills) steps to understanding and improving this skill that all of us have room for improvement.

Whether you lead a team or are simply trying to lead yourself through the chaos of the day, these are five practices that help me develop stronger EQ:

1. Recognize it’s a skill, not a trait.

Unlike IQ, which is mostly fixed, EQ is learnable. You can improve your ability to manage emotions, empathize with others, and communicate clearly — with intention and practice. Set a goal to improve your EQ this year. You may need to take an assessment (now and later) or ask others to give you feedback…and encourage them to be honest.

2. Use mindfulness to hit pause.

My father had a terrible temper, and I know I inherited some of that temper from him, but I always wanted to be more like my mom. She was much calmer and could read people; I know she would have been a fantastic nurse. I have been working hard at mindfulness and recognizing when my emotions are starting to head in the wrong direction. When I walk my dogs each morning, my mind wanders, sometimes into negative territory. I’ve been able to stop my myself, pause and say – out loud – it’s going to be a great day. Then I begin to go over why it will be a great day. If things have really gone off the rails, I begin box breathing (inhale for 4, hold for 4, exhale for 4, hold for 4). Try it. You’ll be amazed at how quickly it shifts your state.

3. Let people be who they are.

I’ve been reading The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins, and it’s helping me reframe how I respond to others. When someone behaves poorly or judges you — let them. You can’t control others’ actions or behaviors, but you can control how you react to the situation. This mindset shift is a powerful EQ move, as it helps you manage almost any social situation, whether the situation is professional or personal.

4. Name your emotions.

This one sounds simple, but it’s not easy. Try saying, “I’m feeling anxious,” or “That really frustrated me.” Naming your emotion creates space between the feeling and the reaction. It’s a small shift with big ripple effects, and it makes it easier shift from negative emotions to more positive thinking.

5. Seek feedback (from people you trust).

Sometimes we’re too close to see our own blind spots. Ask a trusted peer, “How do I come across in meetings?” or “What’s something I could improve in how I lead?” You might be surprised — and empowered — by what you learn.

The truth is, emotional intelligence isn’t just for conflict resolution or personal growth. It’s a foundational skill for leadership — and a non-negotiable if you're building something big.

And if you're curious how this conversation played out in real time (with some laughter and a few very real stories), I invite you to check out our latest Leaderish episode — now available in video for the first time ever!

🎧 Watch or listen to the episode on YouTube or wherever you subscribe to your podcasts.

Here’s to leading with a little more calm, a little more clarity — and a whole lot more heart.