What They’ll Remember Isn’t What You Said

These words remind me of the famous Maya Angelou quote: “People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

It’s a powerful sentiment—one that’s often quoted. And I think we all nod along in agreement. But have you ever really stopped to consider all the moments when you may have made someone feel something you’d rather not be remembered for?

I’ve been told I wear my heart on my sleeve. My face tends to say what I’m thinking, even if my words don’t. And while I’m aware of this flaw—if we want to call it that—I haven’t always considered how it might affect the people around me.

Several years ago, I hosted a blood drive. It was during that tricky phase when masks were optional in some places but still required in medical settings. One potential donor came in, learned they’d need to wear a mask, and decided to leave.

Later, they texted an apology. I replied with a quick message about the medical policy. They responded, saying they’d return when masks were no longer required. I replied, “ok.” That was the end of it.

They never came back.

What I didn’t say—but felt—was judgment. I was upset. How could someone walk out on a blood drive over a mask? 

Later, I wondered… what if my feelings had shown on my face? I never voiced my frustration, but was it possible they felt it anyway?

That’s when Maya Angelou’s quote hit a little differently.

It’s made me think more broadly: How often have I made someone feel small, uncomfortable, or unwelcome—without even realizing it?

I know I can be judgmental. I come by it honestly—my dad expected people to act the way he thought was best, and I’ve certainly inherited some of that wiring. I try not to let it dictate my behavior, but my thoughts still veer in that direction sometimes.

I’ve written before about being bullied on social media. But I’ve never really examined whether something I said—however well-intentioned—may have made that person feel judged. I wanted to be helpful. But it’s entirely possible they felt condescended to instead.

As a leader—in corporate roles, on boards, and now as a coach—I genuinely want to encourage ideas, creativity, and a get-it-done spirit. But do people feel that? Or does my face sometimes say, “Wow, that’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard”?

Do I unintentionally sap someone’s energy by needing everything done my way?

The solution, I think, begins with awareness.

If we become aware of our inner dialogue—especially the judgmental stuff—we can begin to shift it before it leaks out. Even if we don’t say anything, energy and tone can change the air in a room.

These days, when I catch myself heading down that mental road, I pause. I try to replace the internal criticism with something more constructive. Sometimes it’s a simple mantra: “It’s going to be a great day.” Then I name a few reasons why.

I also ask myself: How would this sound if I said it out loud? If it doesn’t sit well, I pivot.

Even when behavior is clearly inappropriate, I’ve learned to ask, What else might be going on? That teen acting out might not just be bored—they might be dealing with a divorce, instability at home, or even trauma.

This doesn’t excuse bad behavior, but it helps us respond without escalating things. As Mel Robbins says in her “Let Them” theory: let people do what they do, and then choose your own response.

There are times I’ve considered reaching out to people from my past to apologize—just in case I made them feel something I didn’t intend. But I’ve also realized that self-awareness doesn’t always require an apology. Sometimes it just asks us to sit with the discomfort, learn from it, and make different choices going forward. We can’t rewrite every moment, but we can be more intentional with the ones ahead.

Years ago, a manager told me I should learn to play poker—to master a better poker face. Great poker players can keep their emotions in check, no matter the hand they’ve been dealt. I never took him up on it.

And clearly, I’m still working on it.

At the end of the day, it’s not just about what we say or do—it’s about what we leave behind in someone’s memory.

Let’s try to make sure that what lingers feels a little more like encouragement… and a little less like judgment.

Want to Become a More Intentional Leader?

If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation wondering, Did that come out wrong?—you’re not alone. Emotional awareness, communication, and leadership presence are all learnable skills. As a coach, I help leaders reflect more deeply, lead more authentically, and build stronger relationships—starting from the inside out.

Curious what that might look like for you or your team?

Let’s talk. Schedule a free Discovery Call and let’s explore what’s possible.

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If you're interested in learning more about my coaching and training services or how I can help you turn your visions into realities, email me at doris@dunnwise.com. And be sure to listen to the Leaderish Podcast for great insights on Leadership.