Trust Takes Time to Build—but Can Be Destroyed in Seconds

Back in my corporate life, I remember one meeting when I shared something I shouldn’t have. It wasn’t anything monumental—no birth announcements or insider secrets—but it was information that was meant for me, not for sharing.

The first problem? I didn’t realize it was private. The bigger problem? I had unknowingly eroded trust with someone I cared about.

Thankfully, she brought it up. Based on my expression (mortified) and my sincere apology, she knew I hadn’t meant to cause harm. I was lucky. Trust, in this case, remained strong.

I remember another situation—though I can’t recall exactly what I did—where I knew I needed to make things right. I bought a card, wrote a heartfelt message, and hand-delivered it to my friend. When she read it, we both cried and hugged. That moment of vulnerability helped us repair what had been damaged. Our friendship only skipped a beat—and came back stronger.

In 29 years of marriage, we’ve each made mistakes. But we’ve also learned that trust can survive a few tough days and even a stint in the proverbial doghouse—especially when there’s willingness to apologize and listen.

On our Leaderish podcast, “Leadership Lessons Straight Up,” Regina and I recently talked about communication—specifically how it can either build or break trust.

As humans, our egos often get in the way. We want to be heard so badly that we forget to listen. We want to “win” the conversation. But as Regina said in the episode, those “wins” often come at the cost of the relationship. You win the argument... and lose the trust.

Earlier today, I listened to someone share how—three years after an emotionally abusive relationship—she still struggles to trust new partners. Her ex needed to win every argument and, in doing so, lost his marriage and damaged her ability to feel safe with others.

Trust takes time to rebuild. It takes small steps—and the willingness to celebrate them.

Sometimes, the responsibility is ours: We may not be able to change someone else's tone or behavior. But we can manage our own. We can choose to walk away from unhealthy patterns. We can ask better questions. We can check our tone, our posture, and our intention.

One of the most important steps is self-awareness: Are we the one causing the mistrust? Or do we need to find the courage to name it—to prevent the relationship from going further off course?

Here are a few reminders we shared on the podcast that are worth repeating:

• Stop trying to win the conversation. When you “win,” you might actually lose.

• Pause. Don’t rush to fill the silence. Let the words land. Sometimes, quiet helps both people process.

• Ask curious questions. Don’t assume you know the answer. Dig deeper.

• Watch your nonverbal cues. Your body language might be saying what your words don’t. Relax your shoulders. Soften your tone.

• Be concise. You don’t need a hundred words to make your point. Fewer words often carry more weight.

If you’re working on trust—either giving it or hoping to receive it—try having the conversation. If you need to apologize, do it sincerely. If your trust was broken, say why. The other person may not realize the damage... and healing might begin faster than you think.